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Animal Behavior
One-night-stand etiquette
For the longest time, sluts have had a bad rap. Yeah, so your secret role model was the high school cheerleader who woke up on the 50-yard line without her panties. You’re supposed to emulate those respectable queers who support the HRC and still find Ellen DeGeneres funny. Or whose idea of a wild night is cuddling in front of the TV while Jack McFarland shrieks and Will Truman rolls his eyes on Will & Grace. How boring.
Luckily, being a slut is OK again. Just think of Brian Kinney on the Americanized Queer as Folk and Samantha Jones on Sex and the City. They’re both unapologetic sleep-arounds. And since life has a tendency to imitate art, sluttishness is suddenly cool once more.
But with such freedom comes a price. The following tips will help you enjoy slutdom without being slut-dumb.
• Groom before going out. Cut those toenails. Give the ol’ thicket a trim. “Keeping it real” sounds phat in the ’hood, but it’s not so great when you encounter stray bits of toilet paper as you’re rimming him. In the gay world, nature needs some help.
• Don’t say “I love you.” Period. Or even “I love what you’re doing.” Don’t even go there.
• Watch your language. If you’ve been discussing perspective in Renaissance painting, suddenly barking “Oh yeah! Sit on my pud!” can be jarring. But if you’ve been working your potty mouth all night, then wanting to discuss Hegel while you’re being plowed is a turnoff.
• Say “thank you.” You’d be polite if someone held open a door for you, right? The same applies for his legs.
• Try to make sure that both of you come. It’s not always possible, but it’s good to have a goal. There’s nothing worse than feeling you owe someone an orgasm, especially if you never want to see him again.
• If you’re in a hotel, don’t be the last to leave. Holding your head high and smiling as you perform the walk of shame past the desk staff is an absolute must--especially since you’ll encounter them at the gym or the bar later.
• Do not steal anything. It is not attractive, and it does not do anything to help your already dodgy reputation.
• Resist the temptation to rifle through his clothes, especially the underwear. You don’t want to see something that will make you want to take back that orgasm--like skid marks. Or an International Male label.
• It goes without saying that if you are already involved with someone, infected with something, or wanted for questioning by law enforcement, you will have informed your date (before you got busy).
• Once the clothes come off, be tactful about possible surprises like love handles or a little potbelly--or that so-oo-o tired crucifix tattoo. But anything that looks like a birthmark on a dick is fair game. So ask. Nicely.
• If he’s a bad kisser, nip it in the bud immediately and go home. If he smooches like he’s trying to eat an artichoke, imagine what he’ll do to your cock (or better yet, don’t imagine it). So tell him to take it easy.
• Just because he has a Prince Albert doesn’t mean that he gets to shove it up your ass. The ring went in, and it can come out, too. You have the power.
• Ask him before you pull out the handcuffs and the suitcase of dildos. And for God’s sake, if he asks, “What do you like to do in bed?” then tell him. Don’t spout that “I don’t know--what do you like to do?” crap. This is about your orgasm, not choosing what to eat for dinner.
• Unless you’re invited, do not take a shower. Do not use his toothbrush or deodorant without permission. Why? Because it’s gross.
• Don’t talk about your past relationships. It’s a hard-on killer. Leave that line of discussion for those sorry bastards who are stuck in an endless loop of coffee dates. You’re a slut, remember?
• Be polite to the roommates. Look them in the eye when you speak to them and inquire politely about their health or how they’re doing in general. But it is tacky to grill the roomies about your host’s secrets.
• Don’t assume he wants you to sleep over. And don’t be hurt if you aren’t asked. We’ve all woken up, brutally hung-over, and desperately wanting to chew off our own legs in an effort to get away. That being said, do not rip off the condom once you’ve come, jump up, grab your clothes, and ask for the phone to call a cab.
• Don’t say you’ll call if you won’t.
Words by William Rudolph
Experience the sextraordinary in the latest issue of Unzipped Monthly, on sale now.
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