Only in Our Dreams
Tuck Johnson's appeared in over 25 XXX movies, and never fails to give a showstopping, jaw-dropping, ass-opening performance. If only he'd shown up for this interview...

It’s 6 p.m. on the night before our deadline for this issue. We’re waiting for a call from Tuck. An hour goes by. Still no Tuck. As you’ve certainly learned from past experience, when you’re waiting for a hot guy to call a watched phone never rings.

This time was no different.

So, what’s a jilted lover to do? Well, grab the bull by the horns and take matters into our own hands! Through the magic of a beat-up Ouija board, Starburnt coffee and our office cleaning woman, a self-professed psychic,
we channeled Tuck Johnson, MIA porn star.

So, Tuck, what’s your favorite style of underpants?
I actually don’t own any underwear. I’ve attended a couple of medical conferences where they’ve talked about how underwear restricts blood flow to the nuts.

Uh-huh… And how’d you feel about putting on underwear for this photo shoot?
It scared me a bit, but I’d already signed the model release, so I wanted to be a good sport about it. Anyway, it was around my knees most of the time.

What kind of mattress do you prefer?
The kind I can lay on. Or is it “lie”?

Smart-ass. When was the last time you had a wet dream?
I was 12. It was at summer camp in the Poconos. I remember it like it was yesterday: It was about Rick Springfield. He was performing a concert just for me and during “Jessie’s Girl” he pulled me up on stage like Courteney Cox in that Bruce Springsteen video.

Wow.
Yeah, I used to have dreams like that three times a week.

Speaking of numbers, you’ve been in an awful lot of movies in a rather short amount of time, haven’t you?
What are you getting at exactly?

Nothing, just--um, you must be very tired.
Hey, it was your guys’ idea to shoot me on a bed in underwear.

Well, we just thought it’d be nice for you to be in a familiar setting.
Are you kidding? Nobody’s had sex on a bed in porn since 1987.

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex in a movie?
Up the butt.

Your agent didn’t tell us you were so funny.
Most people have no idea. I’m sort of shy on the set. I have a lot of other talents. For instance, I speak fluent Mandarin. I passed the bar in Florida. It is the easiest state to take the exam in, though. And I also conducted atmospheric tests around the world while in a hot air balloon.

That’s amazing. How do you find time to do all that butt-banging?
That’s just a hobby. I’m currently at work on a thesis that would disprove Newton’s law of gravity.

Huh. That’s amazing. How would you say “Suck that big cock!” in Mandarin?
Um. Hang on, my pager just went off. [Long pause] OK, what’s the next question?

What kind of guy floats your boat?
I like guys who are always there for me, who don’t demand anything from me. What someone might call codependent, I call a great lover: They’ll cook for me, clean up after me, and they’re always there when I need them, vacuuming up after I do my nightly whittling. I’m working on this fantastic life-size dolphin sculpture from a piece of driftwood I found in the Aegean Sea. It’s groovy.

We’ve heard that everybody has a different kind of animal spirit. What kind of animal would you say you resemble in bed?
Always with the sex with you people. Don’t you ever think about anything else?

Well, um, aren’t you a porn star?
I prefer “sexual technician.” OK, I’d say I’m a badger.

Why a badger?
Because badgers are real bossy animals. I don’t know. It was a stupid question.

No, it wasn’t. Have you ever slept with a fan?
No, I have central air.

Do you see yourself as a sex symbol?
Yeah. People are always trying to sleep with me. [Whispers] Your cleaning lady keeps touching me.

She’s trying to feel your aura. What do you want to do after porn?
I’m thinking about becoming an ambassador to the UN.
You know, like Ginger Spice. I just want to give back to the people.

How did you come up with your porn name?
I was at this powwow in Arizona on a reservation. You know, with Indians? Anyway, I was in one of those smokehouses with a tribal leader, communing with the great spirits when I heard this chanting outside. It sounding like they were calling to the gods or something, and all I could pick up was “Tuck Johnson.”

We heard it was because Tuck rhymes with “fuck” and “johnson” is a slang term for penis.
Oh, yeah. Wow. I never thought about that before.

Do you feel like saying something in Mandarin now?
No.

For more photos of Tuck, log on to www.unzipped.net.

Words by Matthew Kennedy and Trent Major

Channeling by Esther "Pop Tart" Krolakowski

Experience the sextraordinary in the latest issue of Unzipped Monthly, on sale now.